


Trying my best

by HurricaneSystem



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:35:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27513175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HurricaneSystem/pseuds/HurricaneSystem
Summary: Sirius develops an eating disorder from his mother calling him fat, his friends are rightfully concerned.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 1





	Trying my best

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first thing i'm posting so yeah

It started in fourth year, well technically the summer before but that hardly counts. Maybe it had been his mother criticizing his weight, of perhaps it was his cousins saying he looked like Peter. In Sirius’s mind there was nothing really wrong with Peter, but he wasn't what you would describe as attractive. It wasn't really his weight as much as his hygiene, but either way Sirius did not want to be like that. Not for his mother or his cousins, but instead a tall thin but well built man. I suppose that would mean that it all started in third year, when Sirius noticed his little crush. It hadn't been anything big that made him realize it, instead it was when he asked Sirius if he wanted him to read out loud. It wasn't a new thing, but that’s what made it so special. It was then that he actually started to care how he looked.  
It wasn't like Sirius hadn't cared before, it’s just that he hadn't cared before. He didn’t know how to catch Remus’s attention, he didn’t even know if Remus liked boys. He tried his best but nothing seemed to work. That was why the idea stuck. Maybe Remus didn't like him because he was fat. He wasn't fat, but the more the idea festered the more he started to believe it. He came to school fourth year malnourished and tired. He felt warm as he sat down on the train with his friends.   
“Sirius, are you okay?” Remus reached out to touch Sirius but stopped before he did. He thinks I'm disgusting, I’m so fat Sirius thought. Remus tried to feed him throughout the train ride, but Sirius always insisted he wasn't hungry and by the end James was worried too. The only one who wasn't worried was Peter, but that was because he wasn't paying attention, happy to eat Sirius’s share of the candy.   
Sirius wished he didn’t have such attentive friends. He could feel Remus’s eyes on him the entire train ride. He’s staring at my fat the little nagging voice said, and Sirius believed it. Remus was actually trying to sniff out what was wrong. Literally and metaphorically. He wouldn't even entertain the thought that Sirius would do this to himself. He hated to see Sirius sick. As much as he hated to admit it, the wolf had chosen Sirius. He didn’t mind that it was Sirius, in fact he liked that it was Sirius. It was just he didn’t want to act like he had some claim to the boy. 

Remus stopped and stared at Sirius. It was after the Halloween feast, and Sirius ate… a normal healthy size meal. Everyone else had stuffed their faces, and Sirius felt like he had too, so here he sat, pinching his sides, looking at his body in disgust.   
“Sirius stop that” it came out before he could stop it. It was an order, and Sirius obeyed. Once Remus realized Sirius would do as he said he used it to his advantage. Sirius was stuck between disobeying or feeling fat. There was some part of him that was glad Remus was making him eat. It was that part of him that knew that he wasn't fat, the part that knew he was in fact naturally quite thin and starving himself hadn't done anything. Remus wasn't there to control Sirius when he went home for the summer however, and the start of fifth year he came back worse than before. Remus brought him to Madam Pomfrey so she could give Sirius’s body the nutrition it needed to not die. 

“Sirius, I’m not sure this is a good idea, you’re not well” Remus sat in the shrieking shack waiting for his transformation. Sirius glared at him. They had finally become animagi and Remus didn’t want him to… It’s because you’re worthless. It’s because he doesn't want to be around you. It’s because…  
“Sirius?” Sirius looked up at James.  
“I’m fine” 

“Sirius… Sirius I’m so sorry” Remus ran his fingers gently across the bruises. It looked like a huge dog had sat on him to establish dominance. That was probably because a huge dog had sat on him to establish dominance. According to Sirius though, Moony was completely chill with being under James in the pack. The bruises were especially bad because Sirius was so thin. Apparently when Moony realized he spent the rest of the night trying to make Sirius feel better. Remus felt like that might have been part of the reasoning behind Moony wanting James to be the leader. If he couldn't protect his own mate, how could he protect the pack? Remus sighed. Of corse they had to become a pack. Of coarse Remus had to fall in love with Sirius back in second year, of coarse his friends had to be so set on helping him. 

“Padfoot hurt?”   
“No, Padfoot not hurt,” Moony cocked his head.  
“Padfoot sick?”  
“No, Padfoot not sick” Moony huffed.  
“Padfoot sick.” Moony insisted. Sirius got up from his spot by the door to go over, past the sleeping James and Peter, to the werewolf by the single window.  
“Padfoot fine see?” Moony walked over and nudged his ribs.   
“Padfoot sick” Moony repeated. “Padfoot need food” Moony was getting more and more worried every month that went by. Every month Padfoot said he was fine, but he never got better. The other two werent starving, so the only explanation was that Padfoot was sick. Moony wasn't actually that far off.   
“Padfoot not hungry”  
“Padfoot get better now, Padfoot eat!” Moony said waking James and Peter up. Neither of them knew what was being said but they were worried that Remus might hurt Sirius. Sirius showed his neck as a sign of submission.   
“Padfoot come here, Moony show Prongs” Sirius walked over. Moony nudged him to the ground then turned to James. James came over slowly. Moony tried to show James how each rib was pointing out. He kept trying until moon set. Instead he said.  
“Padfoot show Prongs” and waited until Sirius agreed before allowing himself to shrink back into Remus. However he tried to tell Remus what was wrong on the off chance Remus could fix it. 

“What was Moony saying?” James asked.  
“Doesn't matter” Sirius responded.  
“He says Padfoot’s sick”  
“Remus! You should be resting”  
“Why wont you eat Padfoot” Remus said in a way that was distinctly very Moony. All the marauders looked at Sirius and Sirius felt like crying. He shrunk away from them and though none of them moved it felt like their stares were closing in on him. He transformed into Padfoot, where his emotions were simpler. He knew that this would only worry his friends more, but he didn't worry about it. 

Sirius wished Remus would leave him alone. He was very close to getting Sirius to tell him everything but then everything would be ruined. Their friendship, his body, Sirius didn't want to risk it. It was only a few days before the next full moon when Remus pulled him into the room of requirement. Remus sat on a big fluffy couch and pulled Sirius on top of him.  
“Sirius, you have to tell me, Moony’s not gonna let it go, and I really want him to calm down right now, so you have to tell me. Please Sirius, I promise I wont tell James if you don't want me to, or peter, or anybody. Please Sirius” Remus’s voice cracked a little and Sirius began to cry.   
“I love you, I love you, I'm sorry I love you, I just wanted to look good for you, I just wanted you to like me, I’m sorry Remus, I’m sorry” Remus sat in shock, only reacting when Sirius tried to squirm out of his grasp by tightening his hold.   
“Oh Sirius, you should have told me” Remus said when Sirius finished his tearful explanation some fifteen minutes later. Sirius shook his head. Remus frowned and kissed Sirius’s temple.   
“Yes Sirius” he said patiently. “Moony was really freaking out, it could have gotten really bad. Moony thought you were going to die.” Sirius frowned at that.   
“I'm sorry” Sirius buried his face in Remus’s shirt, so he felt more than heard Remus talking to him.   
“Moony couldn't live without you. I couldn't live without you.” Remus pulled Sirius back and kissed him and both of them felt much better. Remus knew it wouldn't be easy for Sirius to quit but he knew he could.


End file.
